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June 18, 2004
I've been trying really hard to keep things all non emotional on my blogger thing, so I made this into a link. Anywayyy, it could get long and ranty so go to the bathroom and/or get something to drink so you don't have to interupt your reading.
Things are so crazy right now. Like, to the maximum extreme amount of infinity crazy.
At my house, it is currently myself, my mom and dad, Logan, and new additions, Stephanie and Christina. I hate it to pieces.
I'm so conflicted with this coming Sunday. It is Father's Day. My dad wants us all to go out to Niagara Falls and have lunch with Kathleen. I don't want to. I haven't spoken to her since April and I have no intentions of starting now. Why should I? What has she done to earn my respect any longer? The only thing she has done is proven that there are absolutely no reasons in the world for me to respect her in the slightest. So I have no idea what I'm going to do. I feel like I should go just for my dad, but at the same time, I really don't want to see her. I know I won't be nice. And I'll feel bad ruining father's day for my dad. But I'm not going to be fake nice to her either.
As much as I try, I can't stop thinking about him. Its ridiculous. I should be obscenely angry over the whole thing. I shouldn't ever want to hear his voice again. But every ounce of my being just wants to hear him on the other line when my phone rings. And I guess (or I hope) over time that will end. That I'll just let every part of me that is still holding on let go. Its just hard to forget someone who is such a big part of who I am right now. I guess its just hard to forget someone you've loved for so long. Don't get me wrong, I've moved on. I'm over everything that happened. But I just think there will always be a little part of me that wonders 'what if'.
I really hate my job. As in I contemplate quitting every day. I seriously just want to march in there and be like, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, you're cool, I hate you. I quit." But I don't have any back up plans yet. So I've got to work on that.
I sort of want school to start. I don't really know what to do with myself when I'm not working. I hate being at home. I really do. I hate being around Christina because she is the worst mother EVER and she drives me crazy. She also just dumps Stephanie on me all the time. ANd she's such a whiner. Yo, you had the kids, deal with it. And my mom won't let her be alone with Logan so even when Christina is supposed to be watching him, it turns into me babysitting him, her, and Stephie. Its pure ridiculous.
I really want to live at school next year.
I really need a car.
I really need a drink. A stiff one.
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope you enjoyed your stay here.
Love (but not in love, i think we should just stay friends),
Emily
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