I hope you're as happy as you're pretending. -d.c.
my REAL thoughts and feelings
So, I'm making this page because I'm retarded or something and told my siblings about my site and ever since I can't write one stupid thing on the "My Thoughts" page without them questioning it. And it sucks. So, this is my new password protected page... yay. This is where my REAL rantings and feelings are probably going to show through. I just want to warn you, that I may seem super angry and/or sad when I write these, and that's because I am. But that's not how I am all the time. Those of you who know me, know i have a rather pleasant disposition and I really am happy most of the time. It's just sometimes I get really confused and sad and I start to wonder why my life is the way it is... So, here we go...
July 23, 2002
All right, this is going to be an incredibly long/bitchy diddy, so if you don't want to read it, then don't. But here I go...
So for the past week, it seems all I've done is taxi around my sisters and watch Logan. Seriously, Friday, my sister had to work from 3 until close, which means she doesn't get home until around midnight to 1 am. So I watch Logan during that time. Then on Saturday, she decides to go to Darien Lake with Josh and assume I don't mind watching Logan. But I watch him and just keep my annoyedness to myself. Then I'm like, yay, I get Sunday morning off. Not so much. Around 10:30 Saturday night, I'm online on my computer, which I use a phone line modem thing, so I have my voice mail turned on. So she calls and is like, "Hey Em, I'm still at Darien Lake and I'm not gonna get out till late because we're staying for the Laser show and there is a concert tonight, so I'm just going to crash at Josh's and he'll take me to work tomorrow. Call back if you have any questions." So I call that bitch back all ready to be like, No fucking way, get home and watch your kid for once. But of course she had turned off her cell phone. So Sunday morning, I get up and take Logan to a picnic down at the park, then we came back to my house and he took a nap and played for a while. Christina gets home from work at like, 4. Then she goes back out with Josh. I'm not even kidding, and I get another call telling me she's spending the night at Josh's but will be home first thing in the morning. So I'm like, whatever. I'm really pissed at this point because this is not how I want to be spending my whole summer vacation. So Monday comes and she calls and says she got called into work, she needs picked up at 5. I'm like, yeah.. maybe. But Logan gets sick. Like seriously, screaming sick. So I call her and she's like, he's fine. And I said, "He's definitely not fine and if you were a better fucking mother and around ever, you'd know that." So I have to take him to his doctor in Niagara Falls, and he gives him a prescription and such. I go to the pharmacy to get the prescription and her insurance doesn't cover it or something like that. I have the cash to pay for it, so I get it and the doctor told me that for the next two weeks he needs to drink nothing but that Pediasure drink. So I buy a few bottles, and let me tell you, that is some expensive juice. Well, I pick up Christina at 5 and tell her that I need payed back for the prescription and juice and she tells me, "I never told you to go to the doctor. He's fine. I don't have the money to pay you back and I never told you to pay for it in the first place, so I'm not paying you back." I was so ready to open the car door and be like, walk. This girl is in-fucking-credible sometimes. It's Tuesday now, I just fed him his lunch and put him down for a nap because Christina is too busy talking on the phone with one of her boyfriends. It's a good thing I'd get in big trouble if I murdered someone, otherwise all bets would be off.
June 23, 2002
For goodness sake, I need to use my brain a little more sometimes. Seriously, I amaze myself with my own stupidity.
June 20, 2002
It's really too bad there isn't an Olympic event called "bad decision making" because I bet I'd get the gold, silver, and bronze in it.
June 19, 2002
A few days ago, me and a certain someone talked about where we stood with each other and decided that it's best that we stay friends for now. And I definitely think that would have been good.... had we actually been able to pull it off. And now things are getting messy again. Well, they're not really getting messy, they pretty much are. It's really weird. It's just that sometimes I just see him as my best friend. Then other times I see him as a boyfriend type figure. And sometimes it's hard for me to try and think of him as JUST my best friend. I don't know. But things definitely are a little more than 'just friends' right now. I like it and hate it at the same time. I was sort of bummed that I wouldn't get to see him pretty much all summer, you know? But now I think it will be good. Maybe help things settle down a bit... Who knows. I guess we'll see how much it worked come this fall...
June 18, 2002
So, I don't even know how to handle a lot of things in my life right now. So I have been ignoring them. That's pretty bad. I recognize that. But it's definitely a lot easier than dealing with them. I'm missing a lot of people right now, and that totally sucks. But the good thing is, I'll be seeing most of them either over the summer or this fall. Especially my pony riding homies. WOo yeah. Geez, graduation sooo needs to be tomorrow. No fricking kidding.
June 10, 2002
I'm really glad I've decided to go back to camp this summer. It will definitely be good to get away from a lot of things. Basically everything that is Gasport, and a few other odds and ends. Hopefully it'll give me some time to sort out some feelings?
May 28, 2002
I'm really confused on what I want to do this summer. On one hand, there is camp. Now, I don't particularly want to work there this summer just because of last summer, but it would give me a reason to get away from my chaotic G-port life. On the other hand, if I do go, then I'll miss everyone's grad parties and most likely, not see anyone before we head off on our own seperate college ways. That would suck a lot. Plus I've got a few other reasons for each, that I don't particularly wish to share, but definitely pay a big part in my future decision. Who knows.... I guess I'll have to decide soon. My dad is getting pretty anal about me knowing everything right now. I really hate that. It's like, I have no idea what I'm doing tomorrow afternoon, let alone 4 years down the road, you know? Bleh.
There are a few other things right now that kind of worry me about my life, but I guess I'll just have to deal with it in time. Going away this summer would probably help me in keeping my mind off those things because I wouldn't have to deal with them on a daily basis, but yeah. I guess in due time things will work themselves out.
May 24, 2002
I told my parents of my suspicions about Kathleen last night. They told me I'm being selfish and don't care about anyone except myself. Yeah, you dumb fucks. Which is exactly why I'm telling you that your daughter is doing these things to herself again. Because all I care about is me.
I kept telling myself not to get involved in her problems again this time. To just stay out of the way. Last time, I warned them. I told them the things she was doing and when they confronted her, of course she denied it. Then they came running at me, telling me that I need to not make up things about her. Hmm... Then as soon as all the really bad stuff started happening, and they couldn't ignore it anymore, it was "Emily, how come you didn't make this seem more serious? Why didnt you warn us?" Fuck me. How can I win?
May 23, 2002
I cried last night for the first time in a really long time. Seriously, I think this was the first time I've cried since my grandpa died. I cried because I'm so frustrated with my life. I'm tired of having to rearrange my life for everyone and no one even seeming to care how I feel about anything. I mean, look at my childhood. That was enough ruckus to last someone their whole life. Then there has been the whole KP thing the past few years, and my sister moving home with my nephew, and now Georgie moving home and invading my room. And did anyone ever once stop and ask me how I feel about any of this?
May 22, 2002
I'm really tired of life anymore. Seriously, when did things start getting so bad? I've always been such a happy girl, yet lately, it all seems like a front. I can't handle it anymore. I swear to God, that I will die before this summer comes. My house is driving insane. No kidding. I want to scream so much sometimes. So, first of all, if I wanted to raise a kid, I would have had my own. I'm really tired of people assuming that my life revolves around Logan's schedule and that I'm down with taking him everywhere I go and that it's cool with me to watch him every waking moment. But I do it anyway. And it sucks because I'm the only one who doesn't get paid. Say I want to take a 20 second break from watching him and I ask KP to watch him so I can take a shower, she'll get paid for watching him for those 10 minutes. No kidding. Yet, I get no money, let alone a 'thank you'. Then there is the whole, "Hey Em, I know it's 12:30 in the morning, but Christina needs picked up from work so get up and go get her." Yeah, sure, no problem... not like I have to go to school or anything in the morning... I'm just really tired in general of doing things for people all the time and getting nothing but slack from everyone. Some day I'm gonna be the huge bitch I wish I was sometimes and just tell everyone to do every thing themselves. One of these days I'm going to stop being there for you to stomp on when I don't want to do one stupid thing because I'm already overloaded with things to do. Then you'll realize how much you took what I do for granted. It really annoys me a lot that during the summer when I'm gone, people write me letters saying how much they miss me being there and how they never realized before how much I actually do for them until I'm gone. Then I come home and it all starts over again. Well, just wait until next year. I won't be around at all for you. Just say fucking "thank you" you know? That's all I really want. It gets really old to get just criticism all the time.
On a happier note, graduation is exactly one month from today. Rock.
May 19, 2002
So, this weekend was extremely stressful for me. It's really hard for me to be around my family right now. I'm invisible to my mom... even my Nan pointed that out to her this weekend and she just put it off like it was nothing. But more than that, I can see my little sister falling into her old ways again. If you don't know the background on this, I don't really think I want to share much of it right now, but basically she had a lot of problems and I can see them all coming up again. If you know her and see her, you know that she is not a fat girl... she is actually pretty average, if anything, below average. But she is so obsessed with her weight again. She decided she wants to be a vegetarian, and personally, I think the only reason she decided this was because basically that's what we eat at my house. Meat. And that way she'd get out of eating dinner. She also is only eating one meal a day, and usually she only eats a few bites of it. But no one else sees anything wrong with this?!?! It really drives me insane. Because if I say something, I'm automatically the bad guy. But if I don't say anything, then I'm the bad guy again. So I can't win. My mom insists that it's "just a normal teenage stage." It really upsets me a lot. This is one reason I'm kind of glad I'm staying near home. Because I could definitely see bad things happening with KP living at home with just my mom and dad. Yeah, bad things like have happened before. I just really wish that this was all a bad dream and I could wake up and everything was good again, like when we were little and went to Art Park and went swimming at Fort Niagara.
And please don't sit here and try to give me advice about any of this if you don't know the whole situation, because, as much as I know you mean well, it just makes me more frustrated.
May 16, 2002
So, these past few days have been all right. I've been getting a little anxious about the whole school ending thing. I really want it to be over. But at the same time, I'm scared. And as big of a front I put on about not being scared, I am. I mean, if you aren't at least a little nervous about this kind of thing, then you are quite abnormal. Oh well. At least I'll have Angela, Vicki, Sarah, the Beckster, and maybe Pat next year. Yay. It'll be good.
May 13, 2002
Today is one of those days when I'm really wondering why I chose to stay in Buffalo next fall instead of going to Albany. Sometimes I really forget why I don't like my mom and I think things are better. But she's standing right there to remind me. I'm really tired of always coming in second with her. No matter what, I'm never her main concern. There is always Georgie and Kathleen and everyone else who has to come first. I could be dying and KP just has a paper cut, and she'd still make sure KP had a bandaid first. It is super frustrating. I mean, I'm glad she doesn't fuss over me all the time and whatnot, but seriously, do you have to make it so obvious that I don't count as much as everyone else? Then there is the whole college thing... I mean, just because I'm not going to be a teacher like you want me to be, doesn't mean that I'm wasting my time and MY money going to college. I could be the goddamn president and it still wouldn't be good enough for you. It just makes me so mad when you don't even ask me what I think about things that concern me. And then Dad tells me he'll pay for the limo for the prom and you tell him that it's a waste of his money and make me pay him back. It honestly hurts. You payed for everything for fucking Christina and Georgina. Not to mention Georgie's college education. And now I'm sitting here having to pay $350 for my room and tuition deposits and for everything for the prom and graduation. Why don't I just move out now and save you the trouble of paying for my food any longer? I'm really sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry I'm such a fucking failure to you. I'm really sorry that I'm trying to do something with my life and not going out and getting pregnant or trying to kill myself or wasting your money at college while I become an alcoholic. I'm really sorry that I don't come begging to you for money every five seconds and I don't sleep around. I know that must be really disapointing...